It must be old man season or something.

Suddenly I’ve gotten a deluge of winks and messages from men who are way out of my preferred age range on Match.com. It’s really upsetting me…especially when I look and see I’m 6 years below their own range! WHAT THE FUCK? I would understand if they’re only a year or two outside the range because who doesnt make an exception here and there? But if youre twice my age and about oh, 15 years above my highest preferred age of a partner you don’t have a chance. This one takes the cake though:

I like to type out my inner monologue in messages to women

gorgeous pics

. . .with those sexy mischevous eyes, beautiful hair and Gorgeous Helen of Troy Lips that Sunk 1000 Ships Lips . . if you are familiar with the Ancient Greek myth of that notorious Maneater! (:

Ok, enough building a beautiful woman’s head . ..thats very dangerous . ..get a guy in trouble. So . . .lets see . . . I’m outside your target age range, and your generally outside mine, but I stumbled on the profile and pic and was a bit hooked . . . and i’m down in Philly pretty often, was just there to go to the world series games. Where is [my hometown]?

But I digress, ciao bella donna. Seriously, did you ever look into the Tyra Banks model search for girls under 5’10″? Colleagues and friends that I work with ran part of that audition here in New york, it was a circus, most of the thousands who showed up and slept outside over night to get seen had no chance to bemodels. But you actually would have a legit chance. you’re not quite tall enough for the runway models, but You have a real good look. Ever looked into it?

Stephan

Okay apparently this isn’t a well-known fact (or maybe it’s only prominent amongst the people I surround myself), but it’s such a turn off when a man approaches you and ALL he can talk about is your looks and how beautiful you are. In person it may make a little bit of sense (but even then…the fact alone that you approached me tells me you think I’m attractive), but it’s still best to leave that alone. But online I have a full-fucking profile. Online there’s an advantage to have a hint of a personality or what they’re interested in or what they’re doing with their life. It was really creepy for him to describe my features like that in detail and say how making a woman’s head “big” is bad. WTF? I don’t wanna read that shit. And I am sad to say that what he said far from made my head big. It just made my stomach churn.

Don’t tell me my feminism is flawed

This guy messaged me just to say that because I say  I’m a feminist and say that most guys that message me haven’t read my profile, I’m being hypocritical. What is it about men trying to challenge me from dating sites about my feminism? Goddamnit, I just want equality for all. Is that so much to ask?

Messaging someone to just try and debunk their beliefs or say they’re doing it wrong is just really dick. I am not personally offended, but it is getting old to get messages from guys asking me what I think a feminist is and trying to fight me about it. I’ve had a friend also have a guy tell her she’s not feminist in the middle of their FIRST conversation because she didn’t give an answer he demanded from her.

Just please…stop. Light polite interest is fine, but anything more than that in the beginning stages…just no.

JUST SAY NO TO SHIRTLESS PHOTOS

From my observations, Plentyoffish.com has better rules, but OKCupid has a better selection (when it comes to straight males, anyway).

On POF, shirtless photos are not allowed, which I think is great. HOWEVER, it seems like in spite of this rule there are SO. MANY.

GUYS…DON’T HAVE SHIRTLESS PHOTOS. IT’S SCREAMS “HEY IM SHALLOW. LOOK AT MY HOT BODY. ISN’T IT AWESOME? LADIES LINE UP!” NO NONONONO. It’s even worse when the guy is not even particularly fit. Girls really don’t care if you have a six-to-eight pack. We think differently and aren’t as visual as men. I mean, what kind of self-respecting person has a topless photo of themself online? Also, it’s extra pathetic to have 5 topless photos of you by yourself with the camera in the reflection of your bathroom mirror. You’re trying too hard.

Couldn’t wait to leave the gym to take that photo? Wanted to have your muscle glisten from that fresh sweat?

I repeat: Don’t IM someone only to ask them who you are

If you’re messaging someone new, DON’T ask them who they are. In other words, don’t be like this guy:

GettoRomeo2002 (11:14 PM): 
hay 
sup who r u 

GettoRomeo2002 (11:21 PM): 
??

And I was extra annoyed that he was super serious about his question, too! Take note of whom you add to your buddy lists! It’s a lot more impressive to at least give the impression that you know to whom you’re speaking. It allows for more natural conversation. Anyway, I think the screenname of his gives it away…this conversation was goign to be anything but natural.

Anyway, this entire conversation is the epitome of what NOT to do if you seriously want to make a good impression on a potential mate (hahaha I used a cliche). At times, I doubted that validity of this guy and I try to tell myself he is a troll to preserve some of my faith in the human race.

You know the drill; my personal thoughts are in bold.

Don’t try to convince a stranger to think about the possibility of dating you

I don’t know what it is, but I usually can tell when a conversation isn’t going to go well. I introduced this kid in the last post and there is a lot more gold in the convo that I must share. I’ll just post the convo and put my personal comments in bold.

More Lessons from Convos

IMing for about 20 minutes it is TOO SOON to ask about the status between you and the other person. Seriously. One guy didn’t even ask me MY NAME, but he asked me. Well, let me just quote him directly.

DaTKiD2XcLuSiVe (10:34 PM): U tlk 2 nebody

DaTKiD2XcLuSiVe (10:35 PM): I just started dat site lastnite but nah I'm not tlkin 2 nebody

DaTKiD2XcLuSiVe (10:37 PM): Yea lol So wats up wit u an me then

Seriously, what the fuck? How is it any of your business if I’m dating anyone else? Second of all, (perhaps I am misinterpreting, correct me if I am wrong) asking what our status is is TOO SOON. Do I fucking know you? No. I don’t. The only thing he had told me up until that point is that he makes 10 bucks an hour cleaning Academy buses from 6:30 to 2:30 am. I kid you not. I didn’t ask him how much he made or what he did or anything. He just told me. Please people, don’t give that much information about yourself to random strangers on the internet. Also, what the fuck is up with that AIM screenname? I’m sorry, but I think once you’re out of high school you’re too old for that nonsense. HeY gUyS! I aM sO XcLuSiVe! …and to think I used to type like that in middle school on my AOL profile. Damn.

Also, PLEASE know who the hell you’re talking to if you initiate the conversation.

Lil Nory 25 (11:14 PM): hey

me (11:20 PM): Hi who’s this

Lil Nory 25 (11:23 PM):

i was trying to figure who this is

all i know is we both have pof

what state r u from?

me (11:24 PM): XX

Lil Nory 25 (11:24 PM): hmm wut part

me (11:26 PM): Northern

Lil Nory 25 (11:30 PM): wut u look like

me (11:31 PM): A girl. Black hair. Brown eyes

Lil Nory 25 (11:31 PM): i mena u have pics?

me (11:31 PM): Yes on my profile

Lil Nory 25 (11:32 PM): wuts ur pro

YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. I’m annoyed just rereading this. How the fuck can you IM someone and not remember a SINGLE THING about them?! Not only is it ridiculously annoying, it just gives the impression that you just IMing tons of girls left and right, hoping at least ONE of them will bite. Why the fuck should I be answering all these questions when you IMed me first! gotdamn!!

LEARN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Last night on my blackberry, I had the displeasure of another guy messaging me. From the first IM I knew it’d be bad. His diction, syntax, grammar, and spelling were all shot to hell. I looked at this profile and it wasn’t so bad at first: tall, not bad looking, the right age. Then…I looked at this written part.

Hey was up im lookin for a girl that can keep it real wit me now of days girls can’t keep it real so I want a women that can do so if that’s u hit me up to I can be hard to understand some times but once u get to me know me you will if you put the time in i like to get to know who im dealing wit from the inside and out cuz you don’t fully know someone if you don’t know them from the inside I like girls that that got goals and and don’t give up ez to me that says a lot about someone if you are the type to give up on yourself u must not think highly of yourslef I look at things from all aspects somtimes I over think but its all in good favor even tho it might not look like it at the time this is important to undstand about me Im in too music thing that comes 1st then you sorry that’s the rules I don’t make em I just follow lol anyways if you like what you hear hit me up I don’t be on this site too much I rather talk on the phone or text if you like to email I don’t I have a aim u can also hit me on that sixfoe2006

NO! just NO! WHERE’S THE PUNCTUATION? THAT’S THE LONGEST RUN-ON SENTENCE (IS IT A SENTENCE IF THERE’S NO PERIOD AT THE END?) I’VE SEEN IN MY LIFE. Holy fucking shit. And I have to say you can tell a lot about someone from their profile. His profile says his profession is realism (read:unemployed) and he has been in college (the hell he has). I will make a post in the near future about my red flags. But the fact that that profile was written so poorly…

Oh and now I see at the end he says he’d much rather talk on the phone. Well since I couldn’t understand what he was saying and he couldn’t even explain himself over AIM (“I’m no auther, I’m a man of words” Me, “But you ARE using words on AIM…”) he basically spent the REST OF THE CONVO BEGGING to talk on the phone with me. He used so many excuses and it was just a turn off. I want a man who is smart enough to be able to express how he feels and explain what he’s thinking through written/typed word. I don’t think that’s so much to ask.

Also, spending 30 minutes trying to pressure someone into doing something they clearly don’t want to do during the first convo looks horrible. If you’re going to try to pressure me now when I’m a stranger about something so small, I shudder to imagine what you would try to force me to do if we were closer or in a relationship. No thanks.

He, too, was butthurt. He couldn’t let it go. He couldn’t understand me because he didn’t understand what the words “insolent” or “imprudent” meant and somehow was unable to look up those words even though he was on a computer. He and books (or google) obviously aren’t very well acquainted.

Moral of the post:
Learn English. Try reading a book or opening a dictionary or encyclopedia.
Don’t be surprised when someone from the internet doesn’t want to talk on the phone with you after 3 minutes of online conversation.
Don’t spend time trying to convince someone to talk on the phone with you when you could have just been IMing them the whole time you were complaining.

Know when to stop the conversation and not leave looking butthurt

OK, so I’m busy trying to get as much work as I can in the library and this person messages me. I am clearly not in the mood to talk and instead of being a bitch to just close the window and block, I say that I don’t think we’re going to mesh well and that it’s best to talk to someone else. The entire conversation lasted about 20 minutes longer than it had to, because he had to show that he’s better/smarter than me (even though his grammar and spelling were far from perfect) and that he’s PERSISTENT and LIKES TO LEARN from his mistakes instead of running away.

Well, great. I like that you like to learn, but I don’t want to be your fucking teacher. I actually didnt even say that! I just told him to go elsewhere and to learn to know when a conversation is over. His response?

(5:17:50 PM) POLiSH iLLUSiON: The same way you need to learn how to be more patient and to have a conversation.
(5:17:55 PM) POLiSH iLLUSiON: Anyway, I’m off.
(5:18:00 PM) POLiSH iLLUSiON: It was an absolute pleasure
(5:18:02 PM) POLiSH iLLUSiON: good bye

The sarcasm and his absolute need to get a snide word in because I rejected him (NICELY!) was amusing. Apparently since I politely told someone I don’t want to talk anymore, I am not patient and cannot hold conversations. My urge to block began 25 minutes before he sent those messages, lol.

Morals of the story:

Don’t try to force to talk to someone into a conversation if they don’t want to talk.
Don’t be a smart ass.
Don’t be annoying.
Don’t show that your feelings are hurt – especially by insulting the other person. Showing your butthurt-ness on the internet is a sign of weakness. Weakness + insults can lead to drama. We don’t want that. Examples? Visit the OKCupid forums.